"The Karma News" by Past Forward, Past Life Healing
"The Karma News"
is a FREE E-zine from Past Forward, Past Life
Healing, of Marlton, NJ, USA. Prepared for friends, clients, and opt-in subscribers
Read by the spiritually aware and karmically minded world wide.
IN THIS ISSUE: This Month's Theme -
Conflict & Resolution
Conflict... there is no getting around it. Although you may try to avoid
conflict, it will arise because we are all different. The same differences
which make us special cannot help but to "rub" others the wrong way. For
just as we unconsciously try to mold others to be more like us, they are
unconsciously doing the same to us. Blammo! Conflict! Where there is conflict,
the only sure result is karma.
When it comes to conflict, the best way to "cut down" on bad karma
is to remember... "It always starts with me and it always comes back to me".
You are the creator of your life and have chosen both the life experiences
and relationships for your learning and growth.
If you find yourself constantly
in conflict, this is sure sign that you have not learned to handle conflict
responsibly. Worse, you are likely to continue these repetitive cycles until
you have learned the lessons about conflict you need and have (unconsciously)
Although none of us consciously wish to have conflict in our lives,
we all consciously want one thing that is sure to create it. All of us want
to be loved just for who we are, for our unique and special selves, perfectly
imperfect as we are... and not in need of change... unless of course we
decide that change is beneficial.
Often how we decide we need to change
is through the very conflict that we are seeking to avoid. For it is through
conflict that we...
* Bring resolution to problems that karma brings us for our growth.
* Get to know one another... the real person behind the "face value".
* Learn about ourselves and others under "real life" conditions.
* Make ourselves be heard... when others do not start out listening.
* Create a safe environment to express our emotions in healthy ways.
* Test and feel our connection to ourselves and to others around us.
Conflict offers us rich karmic opportunities to express unconditional
love to ourselves and others. Those who learn how to handle and use conflict
in a healthy way find themselves rewarded with increased levels of openness,
passion, and agreement in their lives.
The first step in successful conflict resolution, which begins and
ends with you, is to surrender the need to win. So often we handle conflict
as if we are waging war. We take a stand and come out swinging, ready to
defend our position at all costs.
Yet those we fight with are NOT the enemy...
they are those we love. The "no-holes-barred" approach may be
an effective war strategy but it is a lost cause when the casualties are
relationships we value.
Remember that when you and another are in conflict, resolution is
not a matter of a "solving a problem", it is a matter of "addressing the
feelings". Often people fight about things they really do not care about
because the "thing" is linked to feelings that they do care about intensely.
This is especially true of money related arguments (below).
To resolve conflict, tell the other person how you feel and listen
to what they are feeling about what is going on in a positive, non judgmental
manner. Once the true feelings are out on the table, that is when "problems"
can be solved.
As people are fond of saying in churches: "let peace begin with me".
Many times when couples are fight about money what they are really arguing
about are feelings so intense and deeply personal they cannot even bring
them up. This is especially true when one or both partners use money as
the means of revenge in an argument.
Here is the typical "Husband Revenge Syndrome" (although wives can
do this too). The husband begins by thumbing through a "Sharper Image" or
other "cool adult gadget" catalog. He sees something he likes and says to
his wife, "Wow, a [fill in the blank]! I've always wanted one of those!"
The wife says, "We can't afford it!" Maybe the husband does not
really want the thing but now his dander is up.
"What do you mean we can't afford it!" Now they argue. What the
husband thought was a "cool-nice-to-have" thing moves into a "must-have"
thing in his mind. He thinks, "I'll show her who is boss!" And a few weeks
later the box of cool gadgets he ordered behind her back shows up on their
door: World War III starts up all over again.
Here is the typical "Wife Revenge Syndrome" (although husbands can
do this too). The wife begins by receiving an invitation to a "Raise Money
for Breast Cancer" or some other uninteresting "chick" cause. She wants to
go and says to her husband, "Wow, a [fill in the blank] fundraiser! We must
go!" The husband sighs and says, "Get real!" Maybe the wife does not really
want to go but now her dander is up.
"What do you mean you won't go!" Now they argue. What the wife
thought was a "cool-maybe-I'll go" thing moves into a "must-go" thing in
her mind. When he does not show, she thinks, "I'll show him who is boss!"
And she charges up a storm buying a new dress and shoes for the affair:
World War III starts up once the bill arrives.
Looking at these syndromes more closely shows what these husbands
and wives are really fighting about... which has nothing to do with money...
except in getting them to spend their money unwisely.
In "Husband Revenge Syndrome", the real issue is the wife's refusal
to honor her husband's feelings. Although the wife might be quite correct
that the couple "cannot" afford it, she is making her husband feel like a
child when she says "No" without discussing it.
Like a child, he will "act
out" to get what he wants anyway... even if he really does not want it. To
break this unhealthy money syndrome, the wife and husband need to discuss
what the best way to spend their money is. If he really wants it, maybe it
can be stockpiled for a birthday or a holiday. If not, problem solved.
In "Wife Revenge Syndrome", the real issue is the husband's refusal
to honor his wife's feelings. Although the husband might be quite correct
that she wants to go to a "Bore-athon", he is making his wife feel like
unloved when he says "No" without discussing it.
Like a child, she will
"act out" to get what she wants anyway... even if she really does not want
to go. To break this unhealthy money syndrome, the wife and husband need
to discuss what the best way to spend their time is. If she really wants
to go, maybe she can go with a friend or a family member who is interested.
If not, problem solved.
When money is used as a weapon of revenge, there is one sure casualty
of it. The couple will not have money to fund their togetherness if it has
been spent on financing their separateness.
Next time you argue with your
spouse over money, bring up that romantic vacation you have always wanted.
Decide what you really want more: that trip or junk you will forget
about 5 minutes later. As with anything else in life, the karma you create
will be your own.
There are a million rules for couples when it comes to "fighting fairly"...
too many for people to remember when they are in an actual fight. Being
an ex-soldier, I know that only simple instructions can be remembered by
troops in battle. Applying this concept to couple's conflicts, the simple
rule for fair fighting is this. "Complaining is good, criticizing is bad,
resolving the conflict is the goal".
"Complaining is good."
Complaining means taking responsibility for
your own feelings and behavior without blaming the other person. This is
done by using this formula, "When you say/do _____ or fail to say/do _____ ,
I feel ____ , I think ____ , and so I say/do _____ or fail to say/do _____ ."
For example, "When you say 'why did you spend that money', I feel 'like you
don't trust me', I think 'I have screwed up again' and so I 'get angry with
both of us.'"
Complaining means expressing what is going on inside you to the best
of your ability. Tell your partner how you feel about what is going on. This
helps you to accurately express yourself and helps your partner understand
what your "real" issues are. It keeps you focused on the issue at hand,
increases the intimacy between you and your partner, and keeps conflict from
getting out of control.
Complaining means allowing your partner to express what is going on
inside them. It means NOT discounting their feelings by saying, "You really
have no reason to feel that way..." Feelings are what they are and often
have nothing to do with "reason". Feelings need to be expressed and resolved
because, if not, the conflict will just be deepened by unnecessary resentment
Complaining means showing your partner that you really understood what
they said. Repeat it back to them as in "If I understood you correctly, you
said you felt ______ and you said you thought _____. What I feel about that
is ______. What I think about that is _____." Have them do the same for you.
This should really get you thinking, talking, and resolving the problems at hand.
"Criticizing is bad."
Criticizing is the opposite of complaining.
Criticizing means fixing blame and finding fault. It is attacking another
for who they are and for what they hold dear. The point of the attack is
always to divert attention from the attacker's own shortcomings so that they
will not have to change or compromise. When you and your partner find yourselves
descending into criticism, you need to say "We are discussing _____ and not
______". Keep coming back to the problem at hand... with the intention of
Criticizing means attacking by name calling, cursing, or shouting.
It involves telling your partner how "bad" they are and why. No problem is
ever solved by telling your partner "what a loser they are". It only
motivates them to launch similar personal attacks which only alienates you
more and just perpetuates the problems.
Criticizing means reciting a "laundry list" of all your partner's
inquities whether or not they relate to the problem at hand. The point of
conflict resolution is to solve problems not to make more. You should state
your complaint in under two minutes. Any longer and you are criticizing by
"cataloging sins" which keeps you arguing.
Criticizing means failing to take turns talking. Healthy conversation
should be like catch: one person talks while the other person just listens.
Only one person can hold the "conversational ball" at a time. When you do
not listen or, worse, use blaming statements like "You always" or "You never"
or "You should", that just shuts your partner down and keeps the war
between you going.
"Resolving the conflict is the goal."
Whatever happens, keep coming
back to the goal: a mutually agreeable solution to the problem. This can
only be achieved by using positive ways of communicating, by getting to the
root of the problem, and being willing to negotiate.
Resolving conflict means offering compromises. Stop trying to win
and start focusing on what is really important. Tell your partner what you
will do/give up if they do/give up something you want. Keep going - writing
down important points of agreement and disagreement - until you have
resolved the issue(s) at hand.
Resolving conflict means "keeping your skin in the game" until it
is done. Be on guard for ways that you or your partner seem to be withdrawing
from the argument. Nothing is ever solved by leaving the issues hanging
open. Men tend to withdraw if their "manhood" is somehow threatened: they
will just end the argument and walk away. Women tend to withdraw if they
feel hopeless: they will just become compliant and "go along to get along".
There is only one result of withdrawal and that is the eventual death of
Resolving conflict means admitting when you are not fighting fairly
and committing to getting back on track. Stop withdrawing, quit blaming,
end criticizing, refuse to be compliant, and so on. If you find yourself
fighting unfairly, admit it: say, "Look, I found myself doing _____. I am
sorry and I am cutting it out right now!"
Before you find yourself being drawn into a conflict, you should take a
few moments to calm and center yourself. The following three patterns of
breath can help you to do just that. They are easy to do and - with
practice - can be there for you when you need them most.
If right handed, place the thumb of the
right hand over the right nostril.
Breathe into the left nostril to the count of 8 and hold
the breath to the count of 16.
Cover the left nostril with the index finger of the right
Exhale through the right nostril to a count of 8 and hold
the breath for a count of 8.
Again cover the right nostril with the thumb and repeat
the cycle ten times.
Inhale through the nose to the count of
While inhaling, mentally repeating the word,
"Hong" as you inhale.
Hold the breath to the count of 10.
Then exhale slowly through the mouth as you repeat the
word, "Sah" out loud.
3> OLA BREATH
- for Quickly Reducing Stored Stress
Tighten the buttocks and rectal
Pull the stomach in as the inhale is drawn into the upper
Drop the head onto the chest and tighten the entire body
while holding the breath.
Raise the head, exhale while moving the head forward and
making a hissing sound.
After doing these breaths, you will be better able to "fight fair".
The more calm and centered you are, the more others are likely to listen to
your point of view, increasing your chances of coming to a mutually beneficial
resolution of whatever conflict you are in.
The past is still present even in the present day news.
Most marriages are for the purposes of working out past life karma...
as the fighting which is all to common among married will attest.
From ABC News: "Do you and your mate butt heads on a regular basis?
Congratulations - you are among the ranks of the majority of American couples,
who are struggling every day to deal with the many splendors of life and love."
"And do you think you fight with your spouse just a little too much?
Not to worry - the good news is that couples who stay married actually
disagree the same amount as those who don't. The fact that they fight is
not the problem - how they fight is more important."
"Anger is inevitable in relationships. If two people are living
together, they are bound to disagree about small, seemingly petty things -
'Whose turn is it to walk the dog? Why am I always doing the laundry?' -
as well as larger, more significant issues - 'How can we possibly make the
next mortgage payment?'"
"People manage their anger in different ways. Some deny it, some
bury it, others nurse their anger, and others vent it at every available
moment. Yet the most pernicious way of handling anger in marriage is not
to handle it at all."
"This is when anger becomes self-perpetuating, locking husbands
and wives in a vicious cycle of blame and hostility. Stuck in repetitive
arguments that go nowhere, some couples dig in their heels in a vain attempt
to prove themselves right and their partners wrong."
"To figure out how you and your partner can switch from harmful
to healthy fighting" you might be interested in this book: "Seven Secrets
of a Happy Marriage", by Margery D. Rosen and the Editors of Ladie's Home
Journal (Workman Publishing, 2002). The rest of this article goes on to
detail how to fight fairly.
The main thing to remember is that "a fight is just a fight. Although
you disagree, you are not enemies. No matter how much people love each other,
differences will eventually trigger conflict." How you add to or subtract
from your karma when you fight all depends on how loving you can be in
"fighting fairly" to resolve your differences.
For the whole story go to ABC News: "The Forensics of Fighting: How
to Resolve Disagreements With Your Spouse".
Caroline and Lloyd Chasseur (the name is "18th Century French Huguenot!")
are the classic examples of couples who fight unfairly. Lloyd cannot forgive
Caroline's affair: she says "it did not really mean anything and should not
even be counted as an affair!" Caroline cannot stop retelling a dream she
had about Lloyd being castrated: he says "I want her to stop talking about
it at parties to our friends".
They go to a marriage counselor who refuses to "judge or take sides"
and the couple at last agree that if he cannot do so "then what good are
you!" In a twist of fate, they do get the "referee" they are looking for
in Gus, a "hard working" jewel thief on the run. He inadvertantly tripped the alarm
during the heist and decides to kidnap the Chasseurs to avoid the roadblocks
set up by the police.
Even the threat to their lives cannot stop the bickering Chasseurs
from venting their anger at one another. So Gus has no choice but to act
as referee between them. For example, at gunpoint Caroline admits that she
still smokes even though she promised Lloyd she would quit. When she rewrites
history to say that she "only agreed not to smoke in the house", Gus gets
her to admit this was a lie. Just as at gunpoint, Gus gets Lloyd to admit
that he had lied about running a stop sign on their way home to attract the
attention of the police.
In an explosive confrontation with family who arrive for Christmas
dinner, Gus is forced to pose as a marriage counselor and can only watch
helplessly as Caroline and Lloyd argue to save their marriage. The resolution
of their issues is reached in this huge fight and the Chasseurs realize
they are truly in love and decide to stay together.
Although they solve their problems a bit too easily, their exchanges
are classic examples of how couples fight unfairly in a marriage. This is
one of my favorite movies of all time... and if you missed it in the 30
seconds it was at the movies, you are in for a treat if you rent it!
Thanks to those who helped to support our holistic business this
month. God Bless America and Canada... North America is our home and the
source of most of our wonderful clients to whom we are grateful for supporting
our work. Special thanks to international customers for their support
Inspirational Quote for the Month:
"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."
Good Deed for the Month:
Coaching Circles was the best online resource for
couples seeking to resolving their conflicts. A good book on this topic
is "Do-It-Yourself Conflict Resolution for Couples" by Florence Bienenfeld,
a marriage counselor for over 30 years.
Bienenfeld's book offers "dynamic new ways for couples to heal
their own relationships. The cause of most breakups is the pressure from
unresolved disagreements and problems. As they fester, these unresolved
issues weaken the bond between the couple, leaving both partners feeling
frustrated, angry, helpless, and lonely."
"'Do-It-Yourself Conflict Resolution for Couples' is the help
couples need. It gives couples practical and effective techniques for
resolving their disagreements and communicating about sensitive issues.
Couples need no longer feel stuck in frustration and hopelessness. This
helpful book offers new dynamic skills that can replace couples' old,
ineffective ways of dealing with problems."
"Not all couples can afford or find private counselors or mediators
to help them resolve their difficulties. And all couples can benefit from
mastering these tried-and-true techniques for resolving conflicts before
they become deep wounds."
...getting life to give you what you have always wanted.
...receiving what you want in half the time with half the effort.
...never worrying again about losing all that you have.
...never fearing again about having enough money in your life.
You asked for it! The ever popular "Rules of the House" are now available
in eBook format! Let the Timeless Wisdom of Ancient Masters Be Yours! Get ANSWERS
to Life's Toughest Questions! Rules of the House Answers These... & MORE!
Please note: Our subscriber list is NOT made available to other companies for
any reason. We value each and every one of our subscribers and their privacy!
Please let us know if there are additional topics you would like us to cover
in upcoming issues to help you on your journey through life.- Ellen
PS: Thank you SO MUCH for your referrals! We continue to get new clients as
a result of your kind words to friends and associates. Thank you!