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"The Karma News" by Past Forward, Past Life Healing

"The Karma News" is a FREE E-zine from Past Forward, Past Life Healing, of Marlton, NJ, USA. Prepared for friends, clients, and opt-in subscribers of HealPastLives.com. Read by the spiritually aware and karmically minded world wide.
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IN THIS ISSUE: This Month's Theme - Conflict & Resolution

1) Good Karma Health Tip: "Fighting Fair: It Begins With Me"
2) Good Karma Prosperity Tip: "Fighting Fair: Using Money to Revenge"
3) Good Karma Relationship Tip: "Fighting Fair: Complaining vs Criticizing"
4) Featured Page on the Site: "Calming & Centering: Breath Cure"
5) Karma in the News: "Marriage Wars: The Forensics of Fighting"
6) Karma at the Movies: "The Ref or How to Fight Unfairly"
7) The Abundant Universe, Inspirational Quote, & Good Deed for the Month

GOOD KARMA HEALTH TIP:
"Fighting Fair: It Begins With Me"

Conflict... there is no getting around it. Although you may try to avoid conflict, it will arise because we are all different. The same differences which make us special cannot help but to "rub" others the wrong way. For just as we unconsciously try to mold others to be more like us, they are unconsciously doing the same to us. Blammo! Conflict! Where there is conflict, the only sure result is karma.

When it comes to conflict, the best way to "cut down" on bad karma is to remember... "It always starts with me and it always comes back to me". You are the creator of your life and have chosen both the life experiences and relationships for your learning and growth.

If you find yourself constantly in conflict, this is sure sign that you have not learned to handle conflict responsibly. Worse, you are likely to continue these repetitive cycles until you have learned the lessons about conflict you need and have (unconsciously) sought.

Although none of us consciously wish to have conflict in our lives, we all consciously want one thing that is sure to create it. All of us want to be loved just for who we are, for our unique and special selves, perfectly imperfect as we are... and not in need of change... unless of course we decide that change is beneficial.

Often how we decide we need to change is through the very conflict that we are seeking to avoid. For it is through conflict that we...

* Bring resolution to problems that karma brings us for our growth.
* Get to know one another... the real person behind the "face value".
* Learn about ourselves and others under "real life" conditions.
* Make ourselves be heard... when others do not start out listening.
* Create a safe environment to express our emotions in healthy ways.
* Test and feel our connection to ourselves and to others around us.

Conflict offers us rich karmic opportunities to express unconditional love to ourselves and others. Those who learn how to handle and use conflict in a healthy way find themselves rewarded with increased levels of openness, passion, and agreement in their lives.

The first step in successful conflict resolution, which begins and ends with you, is to surrender the need to win. So often we handle conflict as if we are waging war. We take a stand and come out swinging, ready to defend our position at all costs.

Yet those we fight with are NOT the enemy... they are those we love. The "no-holes-barred" approach may be an effective war strategy but it is a lost cause when the casualties are relationships we value.

Remember that when you and another are in conflict, resolution is not a matter of a "solving a problem", it is a matter of "addressing the feelings". Often people fight about things they really do not care about because the "thing" is linked to feelings that they do care about intensely. This is especially true of money related arguments (below).

To resolve conflict, tell the other person how you feel and listen to what they are feeling about what is going on in a positive, non judgmental manner. Once the true feelings are out on the table, that is when "problems" can be solved.

As people are fond of saying in churches: "let peace begin with me".

For our Loving Kindness Meditation - which is FREE - see

http://www.healpastlives.com/future/exercise/exlvkind.htm

For our Loving Kindness Program - which is not - see
http://www.healpastlives.com/catalog/indxcat.htm#LovingKindness

GOOD KARMA PROSPERITY TIP:
"Fighting Fair: Using Money to Revenge"

Many times when couples are fight about money what they are really arguing about are feelings so intense and deeply personal they cannot even bring them up. This is especially true when one or both partners use money as the means of revenge in an argument.

Here is the typical "Husband Revenge Syndrome" (although wives can do this too). The husband begins by thumbing through a "Sharper Image" or other "cool adult gadget" catalog. He sees something he likes and says to his wife, "Wow, a [fill in the blank]! I've always wanted one of those!" The wife says, "We can't afford it!" Maybe the husband does not really want the thing but now his dander is up.

"What do you mean we can't afford it!" Now they argue. What the husband thought was a "cool-nice-to-have" thing moves into a "must-have" thing in his mind. He thinks, "I'll show her who is boss!" And a few weeks later the box of cool gadgets he ordered behind her back shows up on their door: World War III starts up all over again.

Here is the typical "Wife Revenge Syndrome" (although husbands can do this too). The wife begins by receiving an invitation to a "Raise Money for Breast Cancer" or some other uninteresting "chick" cause. She wants to go and says to her husband, "Wow, a [fill in the blank] fundraiser! We must go!" The husband sighs and says, "Get real!" Maybe the wife does not really want to go but now her dander is up.

"What do you mean you won't go!" Now they argue. What the wife thought was a "cool-maybe-I'll go" thing moves into a "must-go" thing in her mind. When he does not show, she thinks, "I'll show him who is boss!" And she charges up a storm buying a new dress and shoes for the affair: World War III starts up once the bill arrives.

Looking at these syndromes more closely shows what these husbands and wives are really fighting about... which has nothing to do with money... except in getting them to spend their money unwisely.

In "Husband Revenge Syndrome", the real issue is the wife's refusal to honor her husband's feelings. Although the wife might be quite correct that the couple "cannot" afford it, she is making her husband feel like a child when she says "No" without discussing it.

Like a child, he will "act out" to get what he wants anyway... even if he really does not want it. To break this unhealthy money syndrome, the wife and husband need to discuss what the best way to spend their money is. If he really wants it, maybe it can be stockpiled for a birthday or a holiday. If not, problem solved.

In "Wife Revenge Syndrome", the real issue is the husband's refusal to honor his wife's feelings. Although the husband might be quite correct that she wants to go to a "Bore-athon", he is making his wife feel like unloved when he says "No" without discussing it.

Like a child, she will "act out" to get what she wants anyway... even if she really does not want to go. To break this unhealthy money syndrome, the wife and husband need to discuss what the best way to spend their time is. If she really wants to go, maybe she can go with a friend or a family member who is interested. If not, problem solved.

When money is used as a weapon of revenge, there is one sure casualty of it. The couple will not have money to fund their togetherness if it has been spent on financing their separateness.

Next time you argue with your spouse over money, bring up that romantic vacation you have always wanted. Decide what you really want more: that trip or junk you will forget about 5 minutes later. As with anything else in life, the karma you create will be your own.

For our Abundance Healing Program - which is FREE - see

http://www.healpastlives.com/future/exercise/exabundn.htm

For our Abundance Healing Tape - which is not - see
http://www.healpastlives.com/catalog/indxcat.htm#Abundance

GOOD KARMA RELATIONSHIP TIP:
"Fighting Fair: Complaining vs Criticizing"

There are a million rules for couples when it comes to "fighting fairly"... too many for people to remember when they are in an actual fight. Being an ex-soldier, I know that only simple instructions can be remembered by troops in battle. Applying this concept to couple's conflicts, the simple rule for fair fighting is this. "Complaining is good, criticizing is bad, resolving the conflict is the goal".

"Complaining is good." Complaining means taking responsibility for your own feelings and behavior without blaming the other person. This is done by using this formula, "When you say/do _____ or fail to say/do _____ , I feel ____ , I think ____ , and so I say/do _____ or fail to say/do _____ ." For example, "When you say 'why did you spend that money', I feel 'like you don't trust me', I think 'I have screwed up again' and so I 'get angry with both of us.'"

Complaining means expressing what is going on inside you to the best of your ability. Tell your partner how you feel about what is going on. This helps you to accurately express yourself and helps your partner understand what your "real" issues are. It keeps you focused on the issue at hand, increases the intimacy between you and your partner, and keeps conflict from getting out of control.

Complaining means allowing your partner to express what is going on inside them. It means NOT discounting their feelings by saying, "You really have no reason to feel that way..." Feelings are what they are and often have nothing to do with "reason". Feelings need to be expressed and resolved because, if not, the conflict will just be deepened by unnecessary resentment and bitterness.

Complaining means showing your partner that you really understood what they said. Repeat it back to them as in "If I understood you correctly, you said you felt ______ and you said you thought _____. What I feel about that is ______. What I think about that is _____." Have them do the same for you. This should really get you thinking, talking, and resolving the problems at hand.

"Criticizing is bad." Criticizing is the opposite of complaining. Criticizing means fixing blame and finding fault. It is attacking another for who they are and for what they hold dear. The point of the attack is always to divert attention from the attacker's own shortcomings so that they will not have to change or compromise. When you and your partner find yourselves descending into criticism, you need to say "We are discussing _____ and not ______". Keep coming back to the problem at hand... with the intention of solving it.

Criticizing means attacking by name calling, cursing, or shouting. It involves telling your partner how "bad" they are and why. No problem is ever solved by telling your partner "what a loser they are". It only motivates them to launch similar personal attacks which only alienates you more and just perpetuates the problems.

Criticizing means reciting a "laundry list" of all your partner's inquities whether or not they relate to the problem at hand. The point of conflict resolution is to solve problems not to make more. You should state your complaint in under two minutes. Any longer and you are criticizing by "cataloging sins" which keeps you arguing.

Criticizing means failing to take turns talking. Healthy conversation should be like catch: one person talks while the other person just listens. Only one person can hold the "conversational ball" at a time. When you do not listen or, worse, use blaming statements like "You always" or "You never" or "You should", that just shuts your partner down and keeps the war between you going.

"Resolving the conflict is the goal." Whatever happens, keep coming back to the goal: a mutually agreeable solution to the problem. This can only be achieved by using positive ways of communicating, by getting to the root of the problem, and being willing to negotiate.

Resolving conflict means offering compromises. Stop trying to win and start focusing on what is really important. Tell your partner what you will do/give up if they do/give up something you want. Keep going - writing down important points of agreement and disagreement - until you have resolved the issue(s) at hand.

Resolving conflict means "keeping your skin in the game" until it is done. Be on guard for ways that you or your partner seem to be withdrawing from the argument. Nothing is ever solved by leaving the issues hanging open. Men tend to withdraw if their "manhood" is somehow threatened: they will just end the argument and walk away. Women tend to withdraw if they feel hopeless: they will just become compliant and "go along to get along". There is only one result of withdrawal and that is the eventual death of the relationship.

Resolving conflict means admitting when you are not fighting fairly and committing to getting back on track. Stop withdrawing, quit blaming, end criticizing, refuse to be compliant, and so on. If you find yourself fighting unfairly, admit it: say, "Look, I found myself doing _____. I am sorry and I am cutting it out right now!"

The relationship you save will be your own!

For our Loving Kindness Meditation - which is FREE - see

http://www.healpastlives.com/future/exercise/exlvkind.htm

For our Loving Kindness Program - which is not - see
http://www.healpastlives.com/catalog/indxcat.htm#LovingKindness

FEATURED PAGE ON THE SITE:
"Calming & Centering: Breath Cure"
http://www.healpastlives.com/future/cure/crbreath.htm

Before you find yourself being drawn into a conflict, you should take a few moments to calm and center yourself. The following three patterns of breath can help you to do just that. They are easy to do and - with practice - can be there for you when you need them most.

1> BALANCING BREATH - for Centering Yourself

If right handed, place the thumb of the right hand over the right nostril.
Breathe into the left nostril to the count of 8 and hold the breath to the count of 16.
Cover the left nostril with the index finger of the right hand.
Exhale through the right nostril to a count of 8 and hold the breath for a count of 8.
Again cover the right nostril with the thumb and repeat the cycle ten times.

2>
HONG SAH BREATH - for Calming the Mind

Inhale through the nose to the count of ten.
While inhaling, mentally repeating the word, "Hong" as you inhale.
Hold the breath to the count of 10.
Then exhale slowly through the mouth as you repeat the word, "Sah" out loud.

3>
OLA BREATH - for Quickly Reducing Stored Stress

Tighten the buttocks and rectal muscles.
Pull the stomach in as the inhale is drawn into the upper chest.
Drop the head onto the chest and tighten the entire body while holding the breath.
Raise the head, exhale while moving the head forward and making a hissing sound.

After doing these breaths, you will be better able to "fight fair". The more calm and centered you are, the more others are likely to listen to your point of view, increasing your chances of coming to a mutually beneficial resolution of whatever conflict you are in.

KARMA IN THE NEWS:
"Marriage Wars: The Forensics of Fighting"

The past is still present even in the present day news.

Most marriages are for the purposes of working out past life karma... as the fighting which is all to common among married will attest.

From ABC News: "Do you and your mate butt heads on a regular basis? Congratulations - you are among the ranks of the majority of American couples, who are struggling every day to deal with the many splendors of life and love."

"And do you think you fight with your spouse just a little too much? Not to worry - the good news is that couples who stay married actually disagree the same amount as those who don't. The fact that they fight is not the problem - how they fight is more important."

"Anger is inevitable in relationships. If two people are living together, they are bound to disagree about small, seemingly petty things - 'Whose turn is it to walk the dog? Why am I always doing the laundry?' - as well as larger, more significant issues - 'How can we possibly make the next mortgage payment?'"

"People manage their anger in different ways. Some deny it, some bury it, others nurse their anger, and others vent it at every available moment. Yet the most pernicious way of handling anger in marriage is not to handle it at all."

"This is when anger becomes self-perpetuating, locking husbands and wives in a vicious cycle of blame and hostility. Stuck in repetitive arguments that go nowhere, some couples dig in their heels in a vain attempt to prove themselves right and their partners wrong."

"To figure out how you and your partner can switch from harmful to healthy fighting" you might be interested in this book: "Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage", by Margery D. Rosen and the Editors of Ladie's Home Journal (Workman Publishing, 2002). The rest of this article goes on to detail how to fight fairly.

The main thing to remember is that "a fight is just a fight. Although you disagree, you are not enemies. No matter how much people love each other, differences will eventually trigger conflict." How you add to or subtract from your karma when you fight all depends on how loving you can be in "fighting fairly" to resolve your differences.

For the whole story go to ABC News: "The Forensics of Fighting: How to Resolve Disagreements With Your Spouse".

KARMA AT THE MOVIES:
"The Ref or How to Fight Unfairly"

Caroline and Lloyd Chasseur (the name is "18th Century French Huguenot!") are the classic examples of couples who fight unfairly. Lloyd cannot forgive Caroline's affair: she says "it did not really mean anything and should not even be counted as an affair!" Caroline cannot stop retelling a dream she had about Lloyd being castrated: he says "I want her to stop talking about it at parties to our friends".

They go to a marriage counselor who refuses to "judge or take sides" and the couple at last agree that if he cannot do so "then what good are you!" In a twist of fate, they do get the "referee" they are looking for in Gus, a "hard working" jewel thief on the run. He inadvertantly tripped the alarm during the heist and decides to kidnap the Chasseurs to avoid the roadblocks set up by the police.

Even the threat to their lives cannot stop the bickering Chasseurs from venting their anger at one another. So Gus has no choice but to act as referee between them. For example, at gunpoint Caroline admits that she still smokes even though she promised Lloyd she would quit. When she rewrites history to say that she "only agreed not to smoke in the house", Gus gets her to admit this was a lie. Just as at gunpoint, Gus gets Lloyd to admit that he had lied about running a stop sign on their way home to attract the attention of the police.

In an explosive confrontation with family who arrive for Christmas dinner, Gus is forced to pose as a marriage counselor and can only watch helplessly as Caroline and Lloyd argue to save their marriage. The resolution of their issues is reached in this huge fight and the Chasseurs realize they are truly in love and decide to stay together.

Although they solve their problems a bit too easily, their exchanges are classic examples of how couples fight unfairly in a marriage. This is one of my favorite movies of all time... and if you missed it in the 30 seconds it was at the movies, you are in for a treat if you rent it!

THE ABUNDANT UNIVERSE:
Gotta pay my web fees... so please read on!

Special Thanks to Clients from Exotic Places:

Thanks to those who helped to support our holistic business this month. God Bless America and Canada... North America is our home and the source of most of our wonderful clients to whom we are grateful for supporting our work. Special thanks to international customers for their support this month.

Inspirational Quote for the Month:

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."
(Confucius)


Good Deed for the Month:

Coaching Circles was the best online resource for couples seeking to resolving their conflicts. A good book on this topic is "Do-It-Yourself Conflict Resolution for Couples" by Florence Bienenfeld, a marriage counselor for over 30 years.

Bienenfeld's book offers "dynamic new ways for couples to heal their own relationships. The cause of most breakups is the pressure from unresolved disagreements and problems. As they fester, these unresolved issues weaken the bond between the couple, leaving both partners feeling frustrated, angry, helpless, and lonely."

"'Do-It-Yourself Conflict Resolution for Couples' is the help couples need. It gives couples practical and effective techniques for resolving their disagreements and communicating about sensitive issues. Couples need no longer feel stuck in frustration and hopelessness. This helpful book offers new dynamic skills that can replace couples' old, ineffective ways of dealing with problems."

"Not all couples can afford or find private counselors or mediators to help them resolve their difficulties. And all couples can benefit from mastering these tried-and-true techniques for resolving conflicts before they become deep wounds."

WISDOM OF THE AGES:
Get the information you need... so please read on!

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Please let us know if there are additional topics you would like us to cover in upcoming issues to help you on your journey through life.- Ellen

PS: Thank you SO MUCH for your referrals! We continue to get new clients as a result of your kind words to friends and associates. Thank you!

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