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Food #9: What It is Like to Live With Knowledge of Your Past Lives

Living Inside Your Head... With Others

People have often asked me what it is like to live with complete and total knowledge of your past lives... "Well, it's kinda hard to explain..."

The best example from popular culture is the life experience of Ezri Dax in the television program "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine".

Excerpts from this show given below will give you a flavor of what is like to live with this greater awareness how it effects your daily life now and how it impacts your family and friends.

Inconceivable... But if You Have Never Watched "Deep Space Nine"

To understand the scenes that follow, you need to know that Jadzia was the former host to the Dax symbiont. It is the Dax symbiont which remembers all of the lives of it's eight past hosts - in essence, all of it's past lives.

Ezri has inherited the Dax symbiont after Jadzia was murdered and now she has to learn to live with Dax's past. This means integrating those past lives into her present experience and getting others - her family and friends - to understand.

DEEP SPACE NINE: "After Image"

EZRI has returned to the place where Jadzia was murdered. KIRA enters and Ezri turns toward her. This is the first time Dax has seen Kira since Jadzia was killed. Kira and Ezri recognize one other. The two women stand there for a moment, not sure how to deal with each other. Ezri sees Kira as an old friend, but Kira sees her as a relative stranger. Finally, Ezri blurts out what's on her mind.

EZRI
"I was killed here."
(Kira is nonplussed by her sudden declaration)
"I mean, Jadzia was."

KIRA reacts to this grim reminder of the friend she lost.

EZRI
(looking down at the spot where Jadzia Dax was murdered)
"It's a strange sensation. Dying. No matter how many times it happens to you, you never get used to it."

It's odd to hear someone talk about dying, and having no experience with it, KIRA just listens respectfully.

EZRI
"It must be a little disconcerting for you -- knowing that I have Jadzia's memories."
(sympathetic)
"No wonder you're uncomfortable."

KIRA
"It's a lot to get used to..."

EZRI
"Tell me about it."

DEEP SPACE NINE: "Prodigal Daughter"

EZRI confides in Captain SISKO about how taking on the Dax symbiont - and the knowledge of all it's past lives - has effected her relationship with her family.

EZRI (to Sisko)
"I haven't talked to my mother in almost six months."
(uncomfortable)
"The last time I saw her was just after I was joined (to the Dax symbiont). She came to visit me on Trill. I was still a little... confused. When she walked into my room, I put on a big smile, looked her straight in the eye and said, 'Hi, Mom, it's me -- Curzon! (one of her past hosts)' Things kinda went downhill from there."

Later on EZRI goes home and has to face her family.

EZRI
"... Jadzia considered Kira one of her best friends, and I'm starting to think of her the same way. We spend a lot of time together."

JANEL (her older brother)
"She didn't have any trouble adjusting to having a... 'new Dax' in her life?"

EZRI
"No more than anyone else. I don't think any of them were expecting another Dax to walk into their lives."

YANAS (her mother)
"Whatever happened to that young man you were so interested in? Lieutenant... something?"

EZRI
"Brinner Finok. He was an Ensign. I did talk to him after I was joined... once. I don't think we're right for each other anymore. He reminds me too much of my son, Gran. It makes me a little uncomfortable to be around him now."

The others exchange a look. Ezri starts to get a little flustered.

EZRI
(nervous laugh)
"Sorry. He reminds me of Audrid's (a previous host) son, Gran. I'm still sorting out my pronouns."

NORVO (her younger brother)
"I'm sure all joined Trills go through this."

Ezri tries to laugh it off, but ends up rambling on and letting more of her insecurities show than she was anticipating.

EZRI
(trying to be light)
"No, just me. Nothing simple for Ezri. There're times when the computer asks me to identify myself and I have to think about what to say
(nervously)
Worse yet, there're days when I wake up and I don't even know if I'm a man or a woman until I pull back the covers."

She laughs, but no one else is laughing with her -- they're all staring at her with concern. She finally stops herself and clears her throat.

EZRI
"I also have an unfortunate tendency to ramble..."

Yanas puts her hand on her daughter's and conveys both reassurance and pity at the same time.

YANAS
"Don't be embarrassed. It's not your fault. You should've gone through years of training before receiving a symbiont. It wasn't fair of them to join you to Dax just because you happened to be the only available Trill. It's no surprise that you're having trouble sorting out eight lifetimes' worth of memories and experiences."

EZRI
"It can be a little... overwhelming at times."

DEEP SPACE NINE: "Field of Fire"