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Exercise: Letters of Transformation, Changing Relationships For Good

Summary: Energetically Achieving Transformation in Relationships

For Quick Access to This Exercise:

To get to the parts of this exercise you are most interested in viewing, click on the link below to go there. For best results, read through the entire exercise at least once.

Background on This Exercise
Goal of This Exercise
Preparation for This Exercise
How to Do This Exercise
Example of Exercise Results

Background: All of us at one time or another become "stuck" in unhealthy patterns in our relationships with other people. The "stuck" place is usually buried deep within ourselves somewhere that we are unable to "see". Getting past the "stuck" place is a process of "clearing out" our own "pent up emotions". Dr. Jacob Liberman said this best in his life changing book "Take Off Your Glasses and See":

"Other people… may appear to be the source of our unresolved emotional issues, but what we think of as a problem with another person usually has very little to do with them. They are simply external mirrors of our inner experience. Everyone we meet in life offers us the opportunity to see ourselves more clearly - not just our partners, friends, and family but also our bosses, our coworkers, our enemies, our neighbors, and our acquaintances. We project our relationship with ourselves onto other people… It is unresolved emotions… that keep us from being fully present in our relationships…"

Resolving these emotions is what moves you past the "stuck" point. Writing letters of transformation is one technique to help you resolve "stuck" emotions so that you can begin to move forward in your life.

Goal: The purpose is to move your relationships with others forward WITHOUT seeing or speaking to them. This exercise brings the energy of transformation to your relationship with yourself and others. It allows you to express - once and for all - what you wish to say to the "other person" that you cannot bring yourself to express. It releases that energy of transformation to the universe. Since at the level of pure energy, we are all one, you will feel a change with the "other" person.

Preparation:

All you need is a lighter, a blank piece of paper, a pen or pencil, and a quiet place and time to do this exercise. See also "Letters of Indignation".

How to Do This Exercise:

1> Get into a comfortable position, close your eyes, and take some deep breaths (it should take you no more than 3 minutes to get comfortable).

2> Get clear on what it is you wish to write about the person. The purpose is to get down on paper everything you need to say to bring transformation to your relationship with that particular person (it will change one way or the other).

3> The letter can be in any form that can move you from the point of stuckness (usually anger and blame) to a place of movement (usually love and forgiveness).

If you feel love does not lie at the end of this process, then take the energetically healthy step of deciding to end the relationship once and for all (see "Letters of Indignation"). If you are "stuck" for something to write, below is an outline that you can use to create this letter of transformation and an example of one from "real life".

4> Write until there is nothing more you have to say. To cover anything you might have forgotten to say, put the words "and Anything Else I Forgot to Say" at the bottom of the page. The point is to put the past down so you can put it behind you.

5> Take the piece of paper containing all this "letter of transformation" and burn it completely. The releases the energy of the intention to the universe. Know that at this moment - at the level of Soul - the person absolutely received your message and completely understood it from your point of view.

6> Close your eyes. Imagine yourself sitting in a chair facing the person you have just sent this transformational energy. Tell them: "I need things between us to change so that we can move forward together." If there is anything else that you want to say to them, now is your chance. When you are finished, say "Things must change between us - now!" Know that CHANGE will come.

Example:

Express Anger and Blame
I hate it when…
I don't like it when…
I'm fed up with…

Express Hurt and Sadness
I feel sad when…
I feel hurt because…
I feel awful because…
I feel disappointed because…

Express Fear and Insecurity
I'm afraid that…
I feel scared because…

Express Guilt and Responsibility
I'm sorry that…
I'm sorry for…
Please forgive me for…
I didn't mean to…

Express Love, Forgiveness, Understanding, and Hope
I love you because…
I love you when…
Thank you for…
I forgive you for…
I understanding that…
I want…
I hope…

For more help, try out our "Feedback Note Generator" by clicking here.

Love, (Your Name)

An Actual "Letter of Transformation" from "Real Life":

"To a Dear Former Friend with Much Love,

"I really did not like it when I was very sick and you did nothing to help me. It made me feel hurt that you were angry that I got sick, even though it was not my fault and there was nothing I could have done to prevent my illness.

I felt sad that someone who was a business acquaintance showed me more real sympathy and offered me more real assistance than you - who I called 'friend' - did. It clearly showed me that I had not conquered my own fear of others liking me - not for who I was - but for what I could do for them.

This 'pushed all my buttons' and raised some deeply painful childhood issues. I am sorry that I overreacted to it as I did. I am sorry that I did not call you when I promised. I am sorry that this caused us to drift apart. I forgive you now for ignoring my illness. I understand that your life has not prepared you for reacting well to sickness. I understand that is why you behaved the way you did.

For the sake of all the good times we had together, I would like us to be friendly again... but you must understand that your behavior towards me while ill must change. I need sympathy and understanding not anger. If you can do this for me, I know we can still be friends. If not, thank you for all you have shared with me.

Know that wherever you travel on your life's path, I always will wish you well and hope you find all the joy you desire.

Credits: adapted from a "Love Letters" exercise by John Gray in "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" as related in "Take Off Your Glasses and See" by Dr. Jacob Liberman